Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
