why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
