Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
