kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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