my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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