When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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