wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
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Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
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I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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