watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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