in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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