Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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