If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
