I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
