I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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