Swine flu. Run for my life!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
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Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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