Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
