Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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