when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
did i walk over a car last night?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We have started to decorate penises.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
