Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
