I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
