Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
