I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
