I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
