I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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