Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
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