i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
