My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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