yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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