Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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