My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
