Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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