Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
