Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
