i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
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I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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