Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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