Are we in a gay sports bar?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He? As in you personified your dick?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
