Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
