I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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