Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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