Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
