do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
