i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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