When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
