Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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