I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
