He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
