It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
