I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
