now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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