forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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