I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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