We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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