you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
