I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
