Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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