Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
