i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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