You made me cry and you don't even care
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
