my phone needs a breathalizer
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
